


Exhibits No Restraint

by louproof



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, College, Everyone Is Gay, Gay, Gay John Laurens, Gay Male Character, M/M, Pining, photographer lafayette
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-09-01 21:31:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8638804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louproof/pseuds/louproof
Summary: John Laurens is a second year college student at Columbia University who relies on his best friends, Hercules and Lafayette, to keep him sane. That is, until, a certain confident first year student bumps into him in the hallway.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first attempt at fanfiction, so bare with me. If enough people enjoy this and I still have the want to do so, I'll update this. Feel free to tell me how you feel about it! Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John Laurens was a second year student at Columbia University, studying Political Science and Economic History, and he was highly known for his passions.

John Laurens was a second year student at Columbia University, studying Political Science and Economic History, and he was highly known for his passions. He made his opinions obvious and did not stand down for anyone. John reminded himself of this as he tied his curly mess of hair into a sloppy ponytail and flattened out his shirt. Another year of school, another chance to make himself feel as if he had a reason to walk with his head held high. Making it to college was his personal accomplishment. He spent four years in a private high school in South Carolina in which he was bullied for being his very happy and very gay self. He was not given the scholarship to Columbia because he gave up. He stood his ground.

John was beyond grateful to have been given a new roommate this year. Last year, he was stuck with Aaron Burr, who spent more time complaining than trying to solve his problems. John never understood how anyone could care so much for law. He probably would’ve bashed his head into the closest wall if he had to hear Burr talk again. John was more than willing to allow Burr to move out. He stared at the empty side of the room, the white mattress staring back at him. As long as his new roommate did not mind a raging activist with too many freckles, John was sure they would not be as bad as Burr. 

A soft sigh escaped Johns’ slightly chapped lips before he turned on his heels towards the door. Involuntarily, his hand reached towards his desk to grab a sketchbook in which was visibly worn. Turtles and plants scattered the majority of the pages while sketched out portraits of his friends were rare due to the want to perfect them. He brought the sketchbook around with him everywhere, hoping an idea would strike him. John allowed the door to shut behind him as he trailed out. It was the first day for many freshmen, their timid voices flooding the hallways. John had been moved in for days, having nowhere else to stay due to sleeping on people’s couches. He stayed with his best friend, Hercules, at his mother’s house for most of the summer, helping with Hercules’ tailoring commissions. Hercules was a second year student as well, studying Human Rights and Economic History. John wasn't surprised by the weird mix of majors for they fit Hercules well. It was also nice to have his best friend in some of his classes.

John's dorm was fortunately in an upperclassman hallway. However, it was not out of the ordinary for freshmen to be assigned to such. It usually required a request form and lots of begging. John was headed towards the Great Hall to meet with Hercules in order to get situated for the year, speak of schedules, and plan their usual yearly events. However, this year, John had to get used to a certain French poodle taking up Hercules’ time. Hercules met Lafayette when the Frenchmen took a picture of him and just had to show it to the face it belonged to. They hit it off right away, becoming close very quickly. Lafayette fit in well with the two misfit best friends, carrying the same sense of humor. He was loyal to Hercules and well, that’s all John really cared about. John thought of himself as an understanding individual. He stood for equal rights, in which also included animals, turtles especially. He was kind to anyone who was respectful to him and those he cared about.

As John reached the Hall, he was met with an almost obnoxious voice ringing through his ears and boy, did he recognize it. He turned his head quickly, his eyes met with Aaron Burr’s for a second before Burr looked away, down towards the ground. John wasn’t surprised in Burr’s action, however he was surprised to find a smaller boy beside Burr, looking almost out of place. John’s gaze trailed over the boy. A grey hoodie swallowed his small frame, facial hair almost like a shadow, brown locks tucked firmly behind his ears.

“Burr, I don’t understand, how do you expect to get anywhere if you don’t take a stand?” The boy’s voice came off as timid, but John sensed the passion. He stood frozen in his place as Burr and the boy walked past him, only to stop a few feet in front of John. Burr looked up to meet the unfamiliar boy’s eyes. 

“I can take a stand and still be quiet, Alexander,” Burr stated, eyes flicking to John and then back to the boy, Alexander. John finally had a name. Alexander snickered, shaking his head.

“That is absolutely not true. I will not be apart of that.” This time, Alexander’s voice was firm and he walked into the Great Hall without looking back at Burr. John’s mouth was wide open, his eyes just as wide. Yet another person saw right through Burr; a very cute, small person at that. Burr let out a defeated sigh and walked into the Hall, his shoulders slumped. John collected himself before trailing in to find Hercules. 

Student’s scattered across the room, many meeting up with friends or exploring. John wasn’t surprised to find Hercules in their usual booth from last year in which sat tucked in a back corner, away from the large crowd. Lafayette was beside him, holding a beautiful camera in front of Hercules’ face. John smiled softly at the sight. He found himself almost running up to the two of them.

“Ah, not surprised to see this table again,” He spoke softly, tossing his sketchbook onto the it and sliding into the opposite side of the booth. “Laf, Herc. I think this year is going to be a good one, I’m telling you.” Hercules let out a howl, nodding with a goofy grin as Lafayette sat his camera down gently on the table and gave John a genuine smile. 

“It’s good to see you again,” noted Lafayette, his accent thick in his words. 

“John, my man! Nice to have you finally joining us,” Hercules hummed. John let out a cackle, his head thrown back in emphasis.  


“I got caught up watching a freshmen tear Burr apart!” He stated, causing both Lafayette and Hercules to give him confused looks. He continued on. “I don’t know him. Burr called him Alexander. He basically told Burr that he was an idiot and he wasn’t going to stand for it. It was incredible, my friends, truly. You should’ve been there.” John’s words hung in the air before Hercules’ let out a holler. 

“Burr deserves it,” is all he said through the laughter. Something sparked in John’s eye as he thought back to Alexander. John was intrigued by the way the boy stood up against Burr, something in his demeanor changed automatically as he spoke to the upperclassmen. John found it attractive in a way in which he could not place, but he didn’t question it. He liked what he liked. The thought was shaken out of his head by Hercules letting out a cough, almost to get his attention. John’s gazed returned to his best friend, his head tilting slightly in confusion. “Something distracting you?” John shook his head quickly. 

“No! I was just- what classes do you have, Laf?” John’s words clambered together, hoping to change the subject as quickly as possible. Lafayette’s expression perked up as he began to answer.

“Film classes take over my entire schedule! It’s incredible, mon ami!”

“I’m not surprised, man. Your photos are something special,” John hummed, smiling at the appreciation on Lafayette’s face. 

“Don’t encourage him. Next thing you know he’ll be asking you to be a model,” Hercules joked, smirking and throwing an arm around Lafayette, who leaned in instinctively. 

“I would be the best damn model he’s ever had and you know it,” scoffed John, grabbing a hold of his sketchbook and opening up a page. The group was used to John getting distracted by all the ideas floating around in his mind. Sometimes they called out to him and it was as if he was obligated to create them. John flipped to a new page, searched the pockets of his jeans for a pencil, and began to sketch. Lafayette let out a happy hum. He was all for self-expression through art and John knew so. The three of them had their own ways of expressing themselves. Lafayette was known for his photography, Hercules’ for his amazing ability to tailor, and John for- John wasn’t sure many people truly knew of his ability to draw, but he didn’t mind. Hercules’ voice went on as background noise as John was only listening to a small extent, his focus on what was in front of him. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was sketching. It was visibly a person, just not one John recognized. 

“John, Laf and I are going to head to our dorm. You should head back too.” The sound of his name broke John’s concentration and he looked up to see Hercules and Lafayette already up and out of the booth. He let out a compliant sigh and closed his sketchbook, standing up. 

“I’ll see you both tomorrow, hopefully,” John mumbled as a goodbye. His friends nodded at him before trailing away. John was almost disappointed that they didn't get a chance to plan their year, but he knew it was his own fault. Sometimes his mind slipped away from him. John watched them leave before taking his time and leaving himself. 

The walk back to the dorms was shorter than it had felt. Being in the hallway felt like an accomplishment all in itself. John looked down at the ground, watching his feet. He was caught up in his own thoughts in which were mostly of Alexander. John was jolted out of these thoughts by a loud squeak. He came to a halt, his eyes bolting upward. The person in front of him looked just as shocked as he was. When John noticed who it was, he gathered himself. Alexander stood in front of him with the softest small on his lips.  
“My bad, didn’t mean to scare you. I don’t think you saw where you were going. I was coming this way and you had your head down. We would have collided and I am not looking to have a bigger headache. I’m sure you wouldn’t have wanted such either,” Alexander rambled, biting his lip. John shook his head quickly.

“No man, it’s all good. I was distracted. Thank you for looking out,” John answered sincerely. He wasn’t sure of what to say to Alexander. He almost wanted to bask in his glory. Alexander let out a hum in acceptance, nodding before he began to pass by John. “Alexander, is it? I heard you speaking with Burr earlier,” John added, stepping behind Alexander, hoping to catch his attention. Alexander turned back around almost instantly. 

“Alexander, yeah. That’s me. Alexander Hamilton. You know Burr?” 

“We were roommates last year. He’s pretty awful.” This made Alexander let out a loud scoff.

“I am the unfortunate one who has to be his roommate this year. Awful is an understatement. He doesn’t stand for anything. No wonder he wants to be a lawyer. Anything to get the job done,” he ridiculed. John smiled at the comment. It was refreshing to be able to add another person to the list of who disliked Burr’s attitude. He was glad himself, Lafayette, and Hercules weren’t alone or bias. Okay, they were slightly biased. 

“Agreed. I’m John Laurens, by the way. Again, thanks for stopping me before we rammed into each other,” John commented, shifting the sketchbook in his hand and looking away from Alexander. He reminded John of a puppy. He had soft features, but his bark was loud. 

“I hope to see you around Laurens,” Alexander stated before walking away. John remained in his place, letting the conversation soak in. This was going to be a long year if Alexander was going to be around to distract him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small boy in a forest green, knit sweater was already in the front, almost leaning against the counter. As he turned around, John cursed to himself. Maybe it was loud enough for others to hear, John didn’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I've decided to update this every week on Wednesday (hints why its being updated today)! I am not too happy with this one. I was mentally stuck for awhile and feel as if it is almost forced. I apologize if anyone feels the same. I will definitely try better next week as I should be feeling better. Enjoy!

The loud buzz of John’s phone alarm startled him out of his sleep. He let out a tired groan, slapping wildly at the nightstand in which took up the space between the wall and his bed. “You will not ruin my sleep, you stupid phone,” he whined, grabbing a hold of it and turning off the alarm. He plopped the phone onto the bed and sat up, stretching his arms out. John had no strive to start his day. The start of the year was always rocky. The first few days revolved around getting started in which included settling into dorms, finalizing schedules, and purchasing books. John was thankful that classes didn’t start for another day, giving him time to sort himself out. He was truly more distracted than ever before and John was fully ready to blame that on the one and only, Alexander Hamilton. 

John wasn’t one to worry too much of his appearance. This led to throwing on the first shirt and pair of pants he saw. He ends up in an old shirt he got from one of his many rallies and a pair of jeans in which hung off his waist slightly from being too big. He let out a breath as he walked over to his desk, in which remained against the wall opposite of his bed, and dragged the rolling chair out before sitting down. He pulled a small tabletop mirror to the edge of the desk to make it easier to see his mess of curls. John simply pulled his hair into a quick ponytail, not worrying of what it looked like. He nodded in approval at his reflection before swiftly gathering his daily necessities. With his phone in hand, he left the dorm to its own devices. 

It was extremely unusual to be left without a roommate after the first day of the fall semester. John was almost hoping that he wouldn’t get one at all. He’d have to stay pretty quiet about it, but the secret was worth it. The thoughts crossed his mind as he hummed under his breath, hoping to find a destination. He hadn’t spoken to Hercules or Lafayette since the Great Hall visit. He spent his night listening to music and sketching, hoping for something to take his mind elsewhere, away from the perils of everything he thinks of Alexander. 

John stepped into the dull roar of the main building, his eyes searching through the sea of faces in hopes of finding one he would recognize. He wasn’t one to become anxious- his own words soothed him out of anything of the sort. It was simply a dislike for being alone. He enjoyed having someone to occupy his time with, someone who could succeed in keeping him entertained long enough for his mind to wander away from his current thoughts. He wanted to be able to blink without seeing Alexander’s soft smile gathered in the shadowy constellations behind his eyes. John’s breath hitched in his throat at yet another mere thought of the smaller boy. John hoped his overnight thoughts were only curiosity. Alexander was- different.John shook his head gently. He wanted nothing to do with such a fascination. John wouldn’t admit to being afraid. 

As he wandered, John found himself gathered into the small Starbuck’s in which resided in the main building to attract more students. He was fine waiting in the line, watching people quietly order their drinks and gather towards the furthest counter to wait. He was desperately in need of caffeine, hoping it would wake him up enough so he could no longer be the zombified version of himself. He ordered something he deemed to be simple- an Iced Chai Tea Latte. He enjoyed the flavor enough to bare through it not being plain coffee. The last thing he needed in his diet was coffee. John trudged to the back of the herd of those waiting for their drinks and rested against the wall. His eyes lazily watched several girls pick up their frappuccinos and giggle to themselves in excitement towards the delicious beverage. He could not help, but smile softly at those who basked in the glory of their cups. 

“A Caffe Americano with three shots of espresso for Alexander?” The barista’s voice rang loud in John’s ears. He pulled his eyes away from the half empty cups of others to look up towards the counter. A small boy in a forest green, knit sweater was already in the front, almost leaning against the counter. As he turned around, John cursed to himself. Maybe it was loud enough for others to hear, John didn’t care. There was his infamous Alexander, holding the warm cup up towards his cheek. Alexander’s eyes closed for a slight second out of pure bliss. John felt himself melting as if he was in the cup tightly held in Alexander’s hands. John wondered what he had done in his life that resulted in such karma in which permitted an adorable, tiny man to drink a scorching hot espresso, in an over sized sweater, with much excitement. John bit his lip as he watched Alexander stroll out of the Starbucks.

“Iced Chai Tea Latte for John?” snapped John out of his self pity. He bitterly walked to the front and grabbed his cup, muttering a thank you to the barista before walking out. 

Small sips of his drink kept John fueled as he walked with anger resting on his expression. “Stupid small boy and his damn sweater,” He grumbled into his straw. He was highly frustrated at his inability to avoid Alexander for all it did was remind John why he felt as if he had to surround himself with people at all times- he was utterly alone. His family had refrained from speaking to him since he moved away to attend Columbia. His father wanted him to take a different route, with college and with life. He wanted John to become something prestigious almost as much as he wanted John to be straight. No one gets everything they want, however. There was enough time for John to resent himself, as well as his father. He had come to terms with almost every part of who he was.

John gripped his cup as he found himself in the Great Hall, almost inevitably. He walked to the back corner to stumble upon his usual booth. It felt incredibly familiar since he had been there just the day before, but it was expected of him to go to the booth almost every day after his classes, with or without Hercules and Lafayette. He was more surprised to see Alexander sitting quietly in his very seat than Alexander was to see him. Alexander looked up once he felt a shadow over him.

“Laurens! Hercules said you came here often to sketch. That’s his name right? Hercules? I ran into him before coming in here. He came to get breakfast with your French friend, Lafayette, I think. You draw? That’s really neat. I was just wondering if you would like to chat? I’ve done everything in order to start classes tomorrow. I woke up this morning and realized I’m extremely alone apart from the fact that I have to sleep across from Burr,” Alexander took a breath and looked up at John with wide eyes. Once again, he reminded John of a puppy. He let out a soft sigh and sat down across from Alexander. The pang in his chest was enough for him to realize that already, the two of them had something quite large in common. Alexander felt just as alone as John did. While it made John sympathetic, he was relieved to know he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t stand the silence.

“Hercules and Lafayette, yeah,” John started, nodding. “I wouldn’t call it drawing. It’s all simple sketches. I don’t mind talking to you at all, Alexander.” His words were simple and soft, but John meant them wholeheartedly. He spoke his mind, but in his one way. The smile that took over Alexander’s face was mesmerizing. John wanted to squeeze him.

“Thank you, John Laurens. You are very kind. I assume I stick out quite a bit. I am nervous of my time here. I wanted to make it count, be known for my beliefs, and be someone who won’t be forgotten. I don’t have a preference of who remembers me. As long as someone does. I think that will make this worth it,” Alexander’s words sank in and John simply blinked at him. He was taken back by Alexander’s proclamation. It was almost too familiar. John knew he was making a difference in the lives of his two closest friends, but hearing this from Alexander maybe John wonder if that was good enough. 

“I understand. You also have to make a difference in your own life. If you don’t matter to yourself then why do it at all? I am more than convinced that you’re going to mean something. It’s only the first few days, try not to stress.” John wasn’t sure if his words made sense or if they meant anything at all. The delicate expression on Alexander’s face was more than enough for John to calm down. He sat back against the cushion of the booth, eyes no longer on Alexander. 

“I know you are right. I am sorry to bother you in the morning for something foolish. Nerves is all it is.” Alexander’s short words caught John off guard, causing him to look up. He held back a frown as Alexander stood up. “I would like to have your number in case I have this happen again. That isn’t unlikely.” He stated before handing over his phone. John’s fingers shook as he held it in his hands, quickly typing in his number before handing the phone back. 

“Here.”

“Till we meet again, Laurens?” Alexander questioned. John smirked and nodded.

“Until we meet again.” John watched Alexander walk away. 

The rest of John’s day was slow. He spent time at the college store, gathering sodas and chips for, what he hopefully thought was, the next week. He expected himself to have morals and only eat a bit at a time. He may have made a fool out of himself as he walked back to his dorm, juggling several 2 liters of an assortment of sodas and family sized bags of Doritos. He threw them into the dorm and walked back out, detaching from the room once again. 

The day felt wasted. John had only spoken to Alexander, who hadn’t texted him yet, and had heard nothing from either of his comrades. They knew him. He would speak to them when he felt necessary. It wasn’t intentional, however John was somewhat aware of it. He caught himself doing it often. It only made it easier that his friends were unconditionally supportive. John was more than appreciative of Lafayette and Hercules. 

John was halfway through a pizza he had ordered out of boredom when his phone buzzed. He quickly dropped the piece of pizza he had in his hand and grabbed his phone out of his pocket, hoping for the text from Alexander.

 **From Large Baguette:** Mon ami, Hercules and I are going play video games in our dorm. Come join

 **To Large Baguette:** I have half a pizza and my dignity I am on my way

John softly smiled at Lafayette’s text. It was as if Lafayette knew John had been thinking about them. When John arrived, he opened the door without knocking and threw the pizza box onto Hercules’ bed.

“John Laurens!” Lafayette hollered. John’s smile grew large as he threw his hands up in the air. 

“Lafayette! My man!” He answered, plopping down on Lafayette's bed beside him. Hercules had already picked up the box of pizza and had a piece of pepperoni sticking out of his mouth. John shook his head at his best friend and turned to face the television. The tv was placed on a small fridge and the gaming consoles all stacked up beside it. It was an innovative idea in which John was quite jealous of. If only he was as trendy as Lafayette. 

John’s night was better than he had expected it to be. He was sure that he was going to spend it alone in his dorm, aimlessly scrolling through websites on his laptop. However, he spent the night losing several rounds of games miserably. The dignity he had came in with was definitely gone by the end of the night for he had won not a single game. He was never the best at video games, but he enjoyed the time spent with those he cared about. What was even better was the fact that every thought of Alexander was pushed to the back of his mind for just the right amount of time. That is, of course, until Alexander texted him.

 **From Unknown:** So, we are meeting again, right?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John wouldn’t say he was ignoring Alexander. He was merely busy and surely Alexander, of all people, would understand that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my- it has been a year since I've updated this. I feel for neglecting it, but my inspiration and ideas tend to die fast and hard. However, I recently had some inspiration and decided to give this another try. Hopefully, people still want to read this. Anyways, I'll let you get to it. Enjoy!

John had promised himself that school came before his personal life. His grades were simply depending on it and his scholarship money weaning over his head didn’t really help either. This is what John told himself as he ignored his phone’s begging vibrations as it rested on his bed beside his notebook that carefully stored all his notes from every class he was currently taking and one of his many textbooks. After the first few days of juggling classes, homework assignments, and his usual time with Hercules and Lafayette, John was already exhausted. Granted, this wasn’t his first year. He knew what he was getting himself into. However, the stakes seemed so much higher when he was a step closer to his end goal and there was even more around to distract him. Specifically, a very cute distraction who tucked his hair behind his ears and spoke a mile a minute. John wouldn’t say he was ignoring Alexander. He was merely busy and surely Alexander, of all people, would understand that. John let out a defeated sigh once his phone vibrated again to remind him of what he was keeping himself away from. He picked it up and turned it over. 

**From Alexander:** Laurens, I know your history homework is not fascinating enough for you to very deliberately ignore me

John locked his phone after reading the message from Alexander without answering it. Of course, it was Alexander who called him out on his behavior. They spoke often, giving each other small smiles as they passed each other in their busy commutes to class. In such a big school, John had never felt as small as he did when he was near Alexander. It was if they were the only two there, making it simple to brush shoulders or accidentally sit only a few tables away from each other. John wasn’t sure if Alexander was just being usual or genuine when they got into their conversations of heavy-hearted subjects. Still, John felt as if he knew little to nothing about who Alexander really was. Of course, John knew where Alexander stood politically and what his favorite kind of sandwich was, but really anyone could know such information if they could bear to allow Alexander to speak for even only a few seconds. It felt as if John was so dangerously close to stepping off the edge of a cliff and never being able to look back or hold onto to anything. He wasn’t so sure if it was the homework that was keeping him from Alexander. His phone vibrated once again causing John to run a hand through his curls before unlocking his phone and staring down at his messages.

**From Alexander:** Burr has just stepped into the room so I am going to make my way to the library. Join me or don’t. You’ll miss out on some riveting studying which I deem as truly tragic

John let out a small chuckle before getting up from his bed and grabbing his infamous sketchbook. He might as well spend at least a little time with Alexander. It couldn’t hurt. 

**To Alexander:** On my way. Don’t study too much without me. I don’t want to miss out on the good parts. 

**From Alexander:** Wouldn’t dream of it. See you soon. 

With that, John headed out the door and walked with his head down to keep people from seeing the smile that crept its way through his nervousness. He wasn’t nervous about Alexander, but rather nervous of what Alexander was capable of. John’s stomach did somersaults whenever his thoughts wandered off to Alexander. He found himself sketching Alexander’s eyes in the margins of his notebooks instead of listening to his professors more than once. He was slowly, but surely falling. Again, that damn cliff.

When John reached the library, he ran a hand through his curls to try to tame them as if Alexander hadn’t seen him in a much messier manner- Alexander had seen John in the morning before an eight o’clock class. John’s eyes scanned the open room around him, searching for Alexander. John stopped in his tracks when he finally did find his friend. The busy boy was hunched over a table with several books open around him. Alexander was scribbling quickly in a notebook, mumbling to himself. John let out a chuckle, shaking his head before he walked over to Alexander and sat down across from him at the table. Alexander looked up from his work only to put the pencil down. John tried to keep his heart from melting at the sight of Alexander’s soft expression that dissolved every bit concentration in the furrow of his brow. 

“Laurens,” Alexander spoke up first, looking at John through his eyelashes. 

“Alexander.”

“Thank you for joining in on my studying. Did you only bring your sketchbook?” John nodded at Alexander to answer his question as well as ride off his appreciation. John didn’t need to be thanked. It only made him feel worse for trying to keep himself away. 

“I did. I can’t concentrate on my homework right now. I thought this was the perfect opportunity for a break,” John explains, quickly opening his sketchbook to a blank page, hoping he flipped fast enough to keep his sketches of Alexander to himself. Alexander hums in response, eyes flipping back down to whatever he was writing. John’s tongue sticks out in concentration and he’s pretty sure Alexander let out a noise of admiration, but John might’ve imagined it.

John didn’t want to bother Alexander which was definitely a problem as they sat across from each other. The tension in the air hung heavy. John knew he should apologize for days of one-word responses and excuses, but the words just couldn’t come to him. The guilt panged in his chest even as he watched the graphite catch onto the paper. The sketchbook page had seen better days, but John felt like this treatment to the paper connected him to Alexander in a way that only two passionate minds could truly connect. Alexander dedicated himself to his school work while John found his passionate pouring out in sketches. His eyebrows furrowed and he worked to keep himself busy. John hadn’t really realized what he was drawing- everything about it just felt right. That’s normally how this worked for John. He just let himself go in order to bring his mind to a place that wasn’t so overbearing. However, John was still very aware that Alexander was across from him due to Alexander’s random yet amusing spouts of mumbles.

As John set his pencil down to scan over what he had begun creating, Alexander was pushing loose strands of hair behind his ear and reading over what he had recently written. John’s eyes traced over every line he had created in sections to allow himself to mentally correct any mistakes that were made. It was a sketch so he wasn’t going to be too hard on himself. Rome wasn't built in a day. As John fixed a few rough edges, he began to realize what he had just created. Fuck, there was no way- Alexander. Just as he really understood that it was another sketch of Alexander to add to the list of many, a gasp found its way into the air. 

“Oh,” Alexander breathed, his eyes downcast at the sketch. Fuck. John quickly closed his sketchbook and stood up, keeping his focus on his shoes. He could feel Alexander’s puppy dog expression boring into him. Not a single word could part from his lips as John’s throat began to close up. He shook his head before racing out of the library, ignoring Alexander’s pleas. 

John had never felt so pathetic. He embarrassed himself in front of Alexander who could’ve easily found John’s sketch to be less endearing and more on the level of creepy. He already felt as if Alexander could write a laundry list of things John was doing that could be deemed as irresponsible and a threat to their friendship. Actually, John was sure Alexander had created that list. 

John whined to himself as he threw his sketchbook in frustration, watching it hit the wall. John promised himself school was going to come first and now he’s abandoning his homework just to pine over his friend who he accidentally, and very blatantly, drew in a fit of passion. Nothing about this seemed right. John used that as an excuse to fall into old habits. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and watched as texts from Alexander came through. He had no interest in what they said, knowing it would make the guilt spread. Without any further thought, John turned off his phone and haphazardly let it drop out of his hand. As it hit the floor and rested by his feet, John let his eyes slip shut in frustration. 

Even as the world continued around him, John seemed to slip away, consumed by his thoughts. Alexander sitting at the front of it all. John could see the boy’s smile and the twinkle in his eyes. John’s chest tightened, leaving the frustration to gather up recklessly. John’s shaking hands rubbed at his eyes, attempting to snap out of it. 

“Fuck,” John mumbled to himself. He was supposed to have this under control. Yes, Columbia could be stressful and yes, John had a lot riding on this, but he already had one school year that gave him enough experience to stay calm and not let his anxiety creep up on him. He thought he had this all figured out. He thought he could do this. John let out a small noise that resembled a cry and laid back on his bed. The walls seemed to close in on him. The feeling was all too familiar. He put a hand over his heart and tried to steady his rapid breathing. The panic wouldn’t settle and John let it take over, hoping it ride it out. 

A knock on the door startled John out of it. 

“John, mon ami,” His eyes shot up and he sat up. Lafayette. Words sat deep in John’s throat. He swallowed hard and tried to gain his composure before the door opened. Lafayette barged in, freezing at the sight of John. His expression went from one of anger to concern as he stepped over to John. “When did this start?” 

John looked up at Lafayette through his eyelashes and shook his head. “It’s just stress.” This caused Lafayette to snort and cock his head to the side. Lafayette saw right through it. 

“You have a foolproof plan for keeping stress to a minimum. This cannot be stress, John,” As Lafayette spoke, he squinted before letting out a gasp. “This is about Alexander!” John groaned between sporadic breaths. He didn’t want to blame Alexander for his own inevitable pining. “Hercules told me that Alexander ran into him and spoke so highly of you. Do you find him cute? My Laurens! You find Alexander cute! Are you really worrying about that?” 

“Laf, please,” John choked out, squeezing his eyes shut. Lafayette hummed sadly, pulling John’s body closer to him and resting John’s head on his chest. The two of them sat in complete silence, John’s irregular breathing that he tried so hard to calm being the only thing between them. The world seemed to keep going even as John froze in Lafayette’s arms. There was so much that needed to be said. John felt the need to explain himself, to explain that it really wasn’t just Alexander that was causing his anxiety to start in his chest. Columbia was John’s final shot to prove he was worth more than simple sketches and being one of many voices to be heard at rallies. He wanted to be more than his father’s gay disappointment. He wanted to be more than Alexander’s artistic friend that ignored him just to sit in his room and think about Alexander’s eyes. 

As John allowed his breath to steady and focused on Lafayette’s heartbeat, that reminded him of the world’s constant movements, his mind drifted off past Alexander.


End file.
